Episode 68 – Inner Mean Girl

Welcome to the Mentor 4 Moms Podcast!

On this episode:

This discussion is a direct result of a conversation with a friend who encouraged me to share about that here on the podcast. This is a silent battle that I have been fighting and I don’t think I’m alone.

As you know I’m working on my second book, 10 Questions Every Parent Should Ask Their Kids Every Year. This is content I’ve taught to thousands and have heard feedback of incredible breakthroughs that families are experiencing as they use that tool.

It was my intention to release the book last fall. I had set a deadline, found an editor, had a cover design, etc. But the book did not finish in the fall. So I set a new deadline. What has happened along the way is that the inner mean girl has been chirping in my head.

The more deadlines I missed, the more frustration I felt, and that inner mean girl was getting stronger. I was getting into this negative internal thought spiral where I could feel myself spinning out a negative direction. She was getting out of control and I realized I didn’t want to continue in this direction. I began to be more aware of how quickly I would chastise myself or put myself down. That was the first step for me of turning it around and begin to win this battle.

I am still in the thick of this battle and want to share with you what I’m doing to turn it around. In case this is a silent battle you’ve been fighting, I want to give you some ammunition to win this battle. I don’t think we talk about this enough – when the bully is on the inside.

When I’m dealing with anyone else in my life, like one of my kids, and they miss a deadline or forget something, I wouldn’t talk to them the way I allow that inner mean girl to talk to me in my head. I don’t want that to be my experience anymore, so I’m turning that around. I’m learning how to deal with the disappointments and negativity in life in a different,, more loving, more grace-filled, and more compassionate way.

Imagine if you had a friend and she’s going through lots of change in her life. She’s one of those people other people look at and think she’s doing great. When you get together, you don’t check in on her or ask how she’s doing. You might even notice signs of exhaustion, but you don’t check-in. You just have constant conversations about what’s next. What do you think about that friendship? Is that someone that would want to reach out with you and connect more with you?

What if that friend is you. What if you’re not checking in on you? What if we did that for ourselves in the same way we would for a friend. I think a lot of us are disconnected from ourselves. We just have this sense of distance from who we are as a person and as a woman. We’re going through the motions and doing all the things. But we’re doing it from a place of real disconnect from our person.

I personally want to get back to a sense of connection to who God made me and what He put in me. I don’t want to just go through the motions, but have this inner connection to God. I want to pour out from the overflow of that. I just encourage all of us to check in with yourself – in the same way you would check in with a friend.

That inner mean girl in me was always about keeping my mind on what’s next or on my failures. It kept me from seeing all the things I was doing and how I showed up and continued to love and to serve in spite of not feeling adequate enough. So what am I doing to turn that around?

I am learning to breathe more. When I’m stressed out my breathing gets super shallow. I’m learning to recognize that, stop, and take a deep breath. This allows the oxygen to flow back to my brain so my brain can do what I’m asking it to do.
Gratitude. There is always something I can be grateful for no matter how bad the situation. It’s also been great for me to go back at the end of the day and reflect on what I’m grateful for
Self-encouragement – in the same way I would encourage my kids. I am learning to turn that inwards and encourage myself.
Affirming messages. When I am tempted to look at where I just messed up, I’m learning to be quicker about turning it around. OK, so I forgot that email, but I’m remembering it now and I can write it down so I make sure I do it first thing in the morning. It’s not about denying when I messed up or things didn’t go well. But, how can we be real and not defeating ourselves?
I look for opportunities to engage in joy. Whether it’s laughter, a smile, music, lighting a candle or being still – whatever brings joy or delight to my soul. I want that to be such a part of my everyday atmosphere that I recognize when it’s missing. In spite of what’s going on around me, how can I tap into the joy that’s within me?
I want to give myself permission, and invite you to do the same. I have those Personal Permission Cards to help make that shift anytime we find ourselves in that distracted end of the continuum. The cards are a tool to help us shift back over to the intentional end of the continuum.
Finish this phrase, “today ‘enough’ means…” (from I am enough petite planner from Erin Condren – a tool for intentional self-kindness).
Instead of saying, “I’m okay,” pause and give your most authentic and true answer. Break the habit. Refuse the idea that you have to always be good. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Practice being honest with yourself.
Follow hashtags on IG: #selfcompassion #selfkindness #nonviolentcommunication #boundaries, look for others. Establish a feed that feeds you and helps you stay in a positive mindset.

I hope that this has encouraged you or helped you think of things in a new way. I want you to be able to look in the mirror and feel that same sense of love and care for that person that looks back at you. You can have a genuine smile and genuine love for her. She’s doing her best. Accept that our best is enough.

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